Chuck Norris. Rajinikath. Steven Seagal - The awesome, Threesome!

I used to like Chuck Norris. I still do. Really!

Not for his acting skills, but for the jokes that are cooked up on his personality. If he weren’t born, the logic-defying, weird jokes wouldn’t exist. Even when the few Indians who knew him were chuckling to themselves on the ridiculously funny witticisms on him, along came Rajinikanth.

Since then, he started taking the bullets instead of - Norris. Suddenly, everyone this side of the planet started liking Rajinikanth. The way I used to like Chuck Norris. Slowly and steadily, he became the butt of jokes. The weird and incredibly funny jokes on him would have you laughing on the floor for days, weeks, months. Alright, let’s not take it too far, but he definitely tickled your funny bone.

What’s more, Indians being Indians, the jokes only got weirder. But the weirder they were, the more they were liked & shared across various platforms.

 But anyway, where are we going with all this?!

Well, it’s got something to do with the almighty…No.   Not Evan, but Steven Seagal. I miss this guy. The last I saw him was in ‘A Good Man’. I wonder if he acted in any other movie after that!

The macho, Aikido master. Who only hits, but never gets hit. Not even once. Not even in films. 

He’s like the South Indian Telugu heroes, the likes of Chiranjeevi, who effortlessly dodge bullets from a rapidly spitting AK 47. But the poor villains – may their souls rest peace – can’t dodge from his .48 bullets which are aimlessly fired. Somehow the bullet seems to know the trajectory of its prey and follows him through lanes and bylanes before blowing him to smithereens and lighting him up in flames.

As if this inexpressible and incomprehensible technology isn’t enough to kill the audiences, Chiranjeevi is also a one man army who can defend himself against the armies of Pakistan, Afghanistan, and China. Perhaps with Russia thrown in too! Believe me, all alone. The directors delight in the fact that the more, the merrier. No doubt, that is a death knell for all audiences, except Chiranjeevi’s ‘die’ hard fans.

Before Chiranjeevi steals all our attention let’s turn our attention to the person in case - Steven Seagal.

I have always wondered how Seagal manages not to get hit. Not even once. The questions that go in circles at the speed of light in my mind are: Do directors ever direct him?! Or does he direct the directors?! Does he think, getting hit once is like dying?!  I mean, can’t a hero get up and fight again after he is knocked down once?! Does he secretly bribe the script writers into giving him a completely dominant one-sided role?! Does he do this for fun or out of boredom?! Someone tell me what the heck goes on behind the scenes?!  Of course, with Steven Seagal calling the shots, even god knows nothing!

Mind you, his expressions are all dicey. Happy. Sad. Tearful. Crying. Ecstatic. Or any other darn expression, nobody does it like Steven Seagal does. He carries the same frowning expression for all. Of course it’s punctuated with mystical smiles and mysterious sadness. But somehow you miss all that and your whole thought process gets stuck on his frown between the knitting of his eyebrows, which seems to be a permanent fixation on his face. Obviously, it is needless to mention – for all movies.

His most romantic onscreen presence would be walking away from the heroine after killing the villain. If that doesn’t account for romance, then I wonder what other moment of his would. He is too much of a man to kiss a girl in public and has too much of an ego to beg a girl with a ring in his hand. He’d rather hit three more bad guys than waste time on such pathetic, wasteful and time-consuming moments. Entirely, his view of course. 

However, there might exist few exceptions, but I am sure those are impracticalities pushed down his throat by  the directors. If you doubt, any of what I have said. Then, perhaps, I need to present some proof. Presto! Here you go…

Araku Valley Reminisces!

A few months ago, I decided to take a break from the hectic office work. I could sense the mountains calling out to me. I absolutely had no interest in displeasing these once-in-a-while magical utterances of the nature. So, citing a non-existent marriage as a reason to a very strict management, I took a bow from the daily duties and set off to relish an unforgettable time in the lap of nature.

Initially, I was undecided as to where to go! Then, Araku valley filled my thoughts. I had visited this place during my college days and had an awesome time! Hoping the trip would do a world of good to me, I caught the next train to Vizag. 

Araku Valley is supposedly around 4-6 hours journey from Vizag, depending on how many hours the train driver plans to stop at each station. I had huge expectations of the train journey, but everything fell flat. The hazards of travelling without proper preparation sprang surprise after surprise.

On train, it was people, people and people everywhere. It was nothing short of miracle that I managed to grab a seat. I sat petrified as any wrong move would leave me seat-less. Imagine, a ride with people falling all over you for 5 hours. Of course, a few among them were good looking ladies too! Not that I liked it, but just saying. ;)

As the train chugged along the tortuous way up the valley the delightful sights gave me chills. The faraway waterfalls descending from canopied shrubbery, the fog romancing the mountain tops, the incessant drizzle drenching the nature around, and the cool zephyr that caressed the skin were enough to put a spring in one’s walk. 
  
But all didn’t go well at the camp. When I stepped on to the shores of Araku, I ran around in circles as almost all hotels were booked. And I had nowhere to go. The thought of returning back in the same train did cross the mind. But, fortunately, there was an old man at a certain hotel’s reception, squint-eyed and hard at hearing, who offered a room. My delight knew no bounds and wanted to hug him, but didn’t, as he might think otherwise. 

Next day, when I ventured out, it was raining again. Still, I trudged along and caught a jeep ride to nearby tourist spot called ‘Chaparai’. By then, the rain had trickled into a mere drizzle. I had an amazing time. There were tribals who did the Dhimsa dance. Bamboo Biryani, which tasted real yummy. The river was only knee-deep and the water gently overflowed on the big rocks making it an exciting tourist spot. 

The weather, which by then was a gentle drizzle, added its own charm. After sometime, I visited the nearby tribal museum which was informative and gulped down coffee at a closeby shop. The coffee beans cultivated at Araku are supposed to brew a greatly delicious coffee. I was glad I had a taste of this ambrosia. However, I skipped the Borra caves. Somehow, I didn’t find it interesting.  I stayed on for almost three days and trekked the forests and relished nature at close quarters. 

As a tourist, if you are looking for exciting stuff to happen, then Araku is not for you. On the other hand, if you are looking for peace and tranquility, it’s an idyllic destination to relish the invigorating greenery all around. The return journey wasn’t so exciting. So I am going to spare you the trouble and steer right away from mentioning it. On the whole, the trip had its own aura of charm which I am sure will remain as an enchanting memory! 

Aparajeethudu – A book launch

It’s quite rarely that I get to attend book launches. Not that I am keen on these events, but this one was unique since the book was translated from English to Telugu. What makes it a little more unique is that the author was none other than my brother-in-law. His autobiography in English – ‘I Will Survive’, launched a few of years ago, was a phenomenal hit. I for one read the book till the wee hours of morning. And without an iota of doubt I agree, it’s a masterpiece!

Although my initial thoughts when he informed that the book was being translated into Telugu language were: why would anyone even think about this?  Why would anyone plan to purposefully commit Hara-kiri? Of course, my anxiety rested in the comprehension that when the book is going strong in English, why tamper with aesthetics of advancement. But, I was proven dead wrong.

The book – Aparajeethudu (Meaning: a victorious person) had a grand festive opening. The launch, which took place amidst the stalwarts of Telugu literature, dazzled with ladies draped in traditional apparel, lending a distinct touch of the Telugu culture. The perfume of jasmine flowers intermingled with musk had one thinking that one was gracing a traditional ceremony of sorts. The venue was lit up with Telugu language lovers and, of course, acquaintances, friends and family members too graced the event in good numbers.

There was Dr. Pattabhiram, the noted psychologist and hypnotist, and a couple of other leading journalists. Their adulations and enhancements on the book delivered goose bumps. Rama Krishna, who I presume is a noted journalist, bestowed praise on the translator for thoroughness of work, while highlighting subtle events that touched a special chord in him. Though a slightly lengthy speech, people listened in rapt attention, because of the enticing narration.

The ladies who compeered the programme knew how to engage the audiences in rapt attention. It was easily evident that those who read the book were touched by its contents. Bhavana, the translator, was appreciated for her hard work and for retaining the rich flavor while succinctly conveying the message. She too praised  the book and its contents while underscoring the difficulty to stand to the expectations of the readers in a different language.

On the whole, the event concluded on a beautiful note and I held the privilege of meeting old friends and relatives and was seriously encouraged to engage in some sort of action. Since, lurking in the shadows isn’t doing any good to my already non-existent image. I hope I can draw some inspiration and set out to write a fiction, which has been one of my dreams. Hopefully…soon. 

Sitcoms with standup comedians

Stand up comedians are gaining significance this side of the globe too! Earlier the phenomenon was a hit only in the US, but with the rage catching up with Indian audiences, there is no dearth for laughter here as well. Throw in the Indian-English accent and harp a bit on cultural and regional differences and spice it up with office innuendos, the comedian has an eclectic mix of humour that lights up comedy houses. The new crop of comedians are no jokers either. They are all wit, intellect, suave and charm in a good dose. Where humour is concerned, Indian comedians aren’t that dumb or belong to the Neolithic age. They can set one off in giggles anytime -- day, noon or night. 

Of course, the best part is you needn’t attend a show or an event to watch them live. Simply sink into your favorite chair and catch them on ‘youtube’ as almost all shows feature here. The glitch-free entertainment of the new-age era. 

Actually, one of the pioneers who held the beacon of light for other comedians to follow suit was Vipul Goyal, the IITian, whose performance kindled the wrath of parents and ignited rave reviews of students. His take on dads and moms and how they victimize the kids with their typical Indian mentalities is something that’s food for thought and laughter to bones. What perhaps gives him an edge is his dialogue delivery and unmasked expressions, striking up a distinct chord with the audiences!  Taking the laughter business a few notches up he even launched his own comedy promotion company called ‘Humourously yours’. 

Kenny Sebastian is another young lad who knows how to bring the house down. The dialogues which are often laced with heavy humour come out rolling confidently. Sarcasm and subtlety of presentation makes you want more of him. While his funny take on diverse themes is hilarious enough to make you roll on the floor laughing, his delivery of jokes with deadpan expression will remain etched in your mind. No wonder he remains a hot favourite among young crowds. 

If you think only the north Indians guys are good at humour. You got it absolutely wrong! Manoj Menon, whose standup comedy is doing rounds on internet, knows how to connect with you in a matter of 0.03 seconds. The funny part is  (pun unintended) is that these comedians get to the heart of the matter as they speak the language of youngsters. In other sense, Jokes on WhatsApp, Facebook, Linkedin, Flight cancellations and desi incidents and slangs! “Gone are the ant and elephant jokes. Dead and buried. If you are still spreading these jokes you are an oldie” cries Manoj. Whose jokes on Whatsapp are sure to crack you up! 

Praveen Kumar is another popular face on the youtube who knows how to pulls one’s leg, including his own sometimes. When he jokes about his performance of Bhartanatyam with his big wiggly stomach shaking, you just can’t hold your laughter in. Add to the whole narration a heavy Indian accent and typical Indian incidents that go awry, you are sure to have your ribs tickled. The funniest line on his personal website goes like this “His love for comedy is so much he decided to get married”. 

Finally, the Indian standup comedians are getting a chance to stand in the spotlight, grabbing their fare share of fame and money (I seriously doubt this part). The audiences are ever eager awaiting in cafes, pubs, dance bars (Non-existent? I doubt) or whatever to relish these silver tongued comedians' performances. With the number of performers shooting up, I am sure comedy is taking its wings and going places on the Indian horizon. 

Analysing Hollywood!

I have never been a great fan of Ben Affleck, but this movie turned the tide in his favour and won my appreciation. Here's my review of the film...

The Accountant

Unlike other movies, this one’s a tad different as the protagonist, Christian Wolff (Ben Affleck), suffers from high-functioning autism. Ben Affleck’s portrayal as the man with Autism cannot go unnoticed, if not marveled. Trained in martial arts of every kind, Wolff works for dozens of drug cartel groups and weapons dealers who are neck-deep in big money. Apart from working as a forensic accountant for international criminals, who are into big time money laundering, he doubles up as a deadly assassin.

When ‘Living Robotics’, a reputed bio-technology company, calls on his expertise to unravel huge chunks of missing money, that’s when he bumps into the sweet-talking Dana Cummings (Anna Kendrick), who first notices the massive discrepancies. Though the chatty Dana Cummings evokes interest in making friends, his solitary sentences and brusque responses halt progress of a small talk. Ironically, Wolff jumps into action when he senses that Dana Cummings’ life is in danger, making the body count rise significantly.

Meanwhile, in the Treasury Department, the agents are hunting for ‘The Accountant’ who is handling the financial operations of several top-rung gangsters. ‘The Accountant’ has not one, but several clients, and the police are baffled of his survival skill  - since as a thumb rule the gangsters generally dispose of the small fry once a major deal is done. What definitely lends a certain subtlety and intrigue to the story is the stoicism of the protagonist. It’s not your regular crime thriller as it is laced with an emotional drama that depicts a tumultuous personality going through multiple mood swings.

However, there exist a few things that throw the monkey wrench in the works. Things such as where has been his brother all along? How did he surface in the middle? And more importantly, where did he disappear in the end is something the director seems to know but forgot to tell the audience.  Although the movie has quite a few loose hands hanging, it is refreshingly different since it not only deals with a unique subject, but also connects with the audience on a different plateau altogether.

Rating: 3 ½  stars

Cast: Ben Affleck, Anna Kendrick, J.K Simmons, Jon Bernthal

Director: Gavin O’ Connor

Thumbs up: An appealing storyline, a decent portrayal of the character and interesting dark humour

Thumbs down:  Loose ends and lack-luster performance of actors.