I
used to like Chuck Norris. I still do. Really!
Not
for his acting skills, but for the jokes that are cooked up on his
personality. If he weren’t born, the logic-defying, weird jokes wouldn’t exist.
Even when the few Indians who knew him were chuckling to themselves on the
ridiculously funny witticisms on him, along came Rajinikanth.
Since
then, he started taking the bullets instead of - Norris. Suddenly, everyone this
side of the planet started liking Rajinikanth. The way I used to like Chuck
Norris. Slowly and steadily, he became the butt of jokes. The weird and incredibly
funny jokes on him would have you laughing on the floor for days, weeks,
months. Alright, let’s not take it too far, but he definitely tickled your funny
bone.
What’s
more, Indians being Indians, the jokes only got weirder. But the weirder they
were, the more they were liked & shared across various platforms.
But anyway, where are we going with all this?!
Well,
it’s got something to do with the almighty…No.
Not Evan, but Steven Seagal. I miss this guy. The last I saw him was in ‘A Good Man’. I wonder if he acted in any other movie after that!
The
macho, Aikido master. Who only hits, but never gets hit. Not even once. Not even
in films.
He’s
like the South Indian Telugu heroes, the likes of Chiranjeevi, who effortlessly
dodge bullets from a rapidly spitting AK 47. But the poor villains – may their
souls rest peace – can’t dodge from his .48 bullets which are aimlessly fired. Somehow
the bullet seems to know the trajectory of its prey and follows him through
lanes and bylanes before blowing him to smithereens and lighting him up in
flames.
As
if this inexpressible and incomprehensible technology isn’t enough to kill the
audiences, Chiranjeevi is also a one man army who can defend himself against
the armies of Pakistan, Afghanistan, and China. Perhaps with Russia thrown in
too! Believe me, all alone. The directors delight in the fact that the more,
the merrier. No doubt, that is a death knell for all audiences, except
Chiranjeevi’s ‘die’ hard fans.
Before
Chiranjeevi steals all our attention let’s turn our attention to the person in
case - Steven Seagal.
I have
always wondered how Seagal manages not to get hit. Not even once. The questions
that go in circles at the speed of light in my mind are: Do directors ever
direct him?! Or does he direct the directors?! Does he think, getting hit once
is like dying?! I mean, can’t a hero get
up and fight again after he is knocked down once?! Does he secretly bribe the
script writers into giving him a completely dominant one-sided role?! Does he
do this for fun or out of boredom?! Someone tell me what the heck goes on
behind the scenes?! Of course, with
Steven Seagal calling the shots, even god knows nothing!
Mind
you, his expressions are all dicey. Happy. Sad. Tearful. Crying. Ecstatic. Or
any other darn expression, nobody does it like Steven Seagal does. He carries
the same frowning expression for all. Of course it’s punctuated with mystical
smiles and mysterious sadness. But somehow you miss all that and your whole
thought process gets stuck on his frown between the knitting of his eyebrows,
which seems to be a permanent fixation on his face. Obviously, it is needless to
mention – for all movies.
His
most romantic onscreen presence would be walking away from the heroine after
killing the villain. If that doesn’t account for romance, then I wonder what
other moment of his would. He is too much of a man to kiss a girl in public and has too much of an ego to beg a girl with a ring in his hand. He’d rather hit three more bad guys than waste
time on such pathetic, wasteful and time-consuming moments. Entirely, his view of course.
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